Taaruf: soalan untuk calon zauj(ah)

During my time, I was relatively lost, what Qs do I ask? the murobbiyah who handled my case gave few guidelines, but it was too few. I didn't know what else to ask, but at the same time I felt the need to know more. I remember googling, but somehow didnt find the bunch of Qs I found today.


so here are what I found today, questions that I think are good. Its probably too late for me (lets just tawakkal 'alallah, pray that Allah will not make it happen if its bad for my dunya/akhirah, particularly akhirah), but hopefully it will benefit someone else.


GENERAL QUESTIONS:

• Why are you interested in marrying at this time?
  
• How would you describe yourself?
  
• What do you consider your greatest achievement to date?
  
• Describe three experiences you’ve had that you’ve benefited/learned from.
  
• What has been the hardest obstacle you’ve faced thus far in life? How has it affected you?
  
• If there was one thing you would like to change about yourself, what would it be?
  
• What are your goals for this life? What would you like to accomplish before you die?
  
• What are you looking for in a spouse?
  

DECIDING WHETHER TO MARRY:

• What role do you think parents should play in helping to select your spouse?
  
• What process do you want to use to determine whether you have found the right spouse? Phone? E-mail? Chaperoned or unchaperoned in person? How much time do you want to decide?
  

DEEN (ISLAMIC LIFESTYLE):

• What do you do to feel close to Allah (swt)?
  
• How to you hope to get closer to Allah (swt) through marriage?
  
• What do you want to improve about yourself Islamically?
  
• How many times per day do you pray? What about while at work?
  
• How much Qur’an have you memorized?
  
• To what extent are you involved in the Islamic community?
  
• Do you fast during Ramadan?
  
• How do you determine how to distribute Zakat? How do you give in Sadaqa?
  
• Have you been on Hajj or Umrah? When would you like to go?
  
• Are you affiliated with a particular masjid or Islamic group?
  
• How important do you think it is to only eat Halal meat?
  
• How important do you think it is for women to wear hijab? What about men?
  
• How do you like to celebrate religious holidays?
  
• Do you go for jummah prayers?
  

LIVING AS A MUSLIM MINORITY:

• Do you have non-Muslim friends?
  
• What do you think Muslims should do on American holidays?
  

EXTENDED FAMILY:

• What do you think parents/extended family’s role should be in making important decisions: wedding planning, child rearing, vacations, where you will live?
  
• What do you do if there is a conflict between your spouse and your family?
  
• Are you comfortable living with extended family, particularly as they age? Are other accomodations possible?
  
• How much time do you anticipate spending with your extended family, in person or by phone?
  
• Would you describe the character of your family members?
  
• What have you learned from observing your family that you do or do not want to incorporate into your marriage?
  

PROFESSION:

• What career path do you plan on taking?
  
• Will both husband and wife work outside the home?
  
• Under what conditions would you be willing to move to further your or your spouse’s professional growth?
  
• How much time do you spend at work?
  
• How do you plan to balance time at work and time with the family?
  
• What kind of business functions will you ask each other to host/attend?
  
• Would you encourage/support the idea of me going back to school for advanced degrees?
  
• How would we support ourselves if we both had to be in school?
  

INTERESTS/ACTIVITIES:

• How do you like to spend your free time?
  
• How much time do you spend watching TV?
  
• What interests would you like to share with your spouse?
  
• How much time alone would you like to have?
  
• How do you feel about separate vacations? Business trips? Conferences?
  

SOCIAL LIFE:

• How much time do you want to spend with friends? By yourself? As a couple?
  
• How would you feel about your spouse having friends of the opposite gender?
  

WHERE TO LIVE:

• Where do you want to live? Why?
  
• Will you want to live near your extended family?
  
• Do you prefer city? Suburb? Countryside?
  
• Do you want to live in the U.S. or abroad?
  
• How important is it to live in a large Muslim community?
  

CHILDREN:

• How many children do you want to have?
  
• When do you think you’ll be ready to have children?
  
• How will you distribute responsibility for child rearing? Diapering?
  
• What do you think it is important to teach children?
  
• What is your view on raising children? Do you spank?
  
• To what extent would you be willing to utilize family members, friends, baby sitters or day are to watch your children?
  
• How will you ensure your children have a good Islamic education?
  
• What would you do if you could not have children?
  
• Do you want your children to grow up bilingual? In what languages?
  

MONEY:

• How many personal savings/checking accounts would you want?
  
• Who should be responsible for paying bills?
  
• What about prior assets?
  
• How will you determine how much should be spent on the household? On personal items? On charity?
  
• How much should either person be able to spend by themselves without consulting the other?
  
• How much should be paid out in maher (dowry)? Up front versus deferred?
  
• If we were on an uncomfortably tight budget, and your brother asked you for a generous loan for a third attempt at a start-up when the first two had failed, would you give it to him?
  
• What would be your top five criteria for developing a financial plan?
  

LAST NAMES:

• Should the wife change her last name?
  
• What last name should the children carry?
  

HOUSE:

• How do you feel about cleanliness, neatness and housework?
  
• How do you feel about knickknacks and artwork?
  
• Who is responsible for work around the house?
  
• What are the household chores you are used to doing?
  
• Have you ever lived alone? Have you ever had a roommate? Have you always lived with your parents?
  
• How do you feel about pets?
  
• What are your preferences in terms of food? Mostly from your own ethnic group, or a more diverse palate? Only home-made, or also convenience or from restaurants? Meat or vegetarian?
  
• If we were both working and we both got home about the same time, would you expect the wife to always be the cook?
  
• How do you feel about smoking?
  

DIFFERENCES:

• What are your pet peeves?
  
• How should disagreements be resolved?
  
• How do you act when you get upset?
  
• How would you go about making you spouse happy when s/he was feeling down?
  
• What would you want your spouse to do if you disagreed about something?
  
• What if the disagreement is over an interpretation of Islam?
  
• Who would be your choice of arbiters, or how do you feel about arbitration?
  
• How do you feel about marriage counseling?
  

MONOGAMY/FIDELITY/HONESTY:

• What are your views?
  
• What is your experience with families with a second wife?
  
• Will infidelity automatically end the marriage?
  

CULTURE:
What role does culture play in your life?