the rights of the husband

in the name of Allah, may Allah help us to become solihah wives, who get to enter jannah from whichever doors we choose!

lembut

self reminder:

Bersikap lembutlah wahai para istri... Setinggi apapun jabatan yang engkau miliki, sekeras apapun pekerjaan yang engkau tekuni, bagi lelaki, perempuan adalah simbol kelembutan, kehangatan, cinta, dan kasih sayang. Maka bersikap lembutlah kepada suami, kepada anak-anak, pembantu, tetangga, keluarga besar, juga pada diri sendiri. Jangan terbiasa bersikap kasar, keras dan menyakiti orang lain, apalagi terhadap orang-orang yang seharusnya dikasihi.... - PAK CAH

dua while pregnant

Dia lah (Allah) yang menciptakan kamu semua dari (hakikat) diri yang satu, dan Ia mengadakan daripada hakikat itu pasangannya (diri suami isteri), untuk bersenang hati dan hidup mesra yang satu kepada yang lain. Ketika suami mencampuri isterinya, mengandunglah ia dengan kandungan yang ringan, serta teruslah ia dengan keadaan itu (ke suatu waktu). Kemudian ketika ia merasa berat (dan menaruh bimbang) berdoalah suami isteri itu kepada Tuhan mereka (dengan berkata):” Sesungguhnya jika Engkau (wahai Tuhan kami) mengurniakan kami nikmat yang baik, tentulah kami menjadi orang-orang yang bersyukur”. 7:189

 هُوَ الَّذِي خَلَقَكُم مِّن نَّفْسٍ وَاحِدَةٍ وَجَعَلَ مِنْهَا زَوْجَهَا لِيَسْكُنَ إِلَيْهَا ۖ فَلَمَّا تَغَشَّاهَا حَمَلَتْ حَمْلًا خَفِيفًا فَمَرَّتْ بِهِ ۖ فَلَمَّا أَثْقَلَت دَّعَوَا اللَّهَ رَبَّهُمَا لَئِنْ آتَيْتَنَا صَالِحًا لَّنَكُونَنَّ مِنَ الشَّاكِرِينَ

:D

Abu Hanifah meriwayatkan dalam musnadnya, dari Jabir bin Abdullah, seorang telah menemui Rasulullah lalu berkata, “Wahai Rasulullah, saya tidak dikurniakan seorang anak pun dan sehingga kini saya tidak memiliki anak”.

Lalu Rasulullah s.a.w bersabda, “Sudahkah kamu memperbanyakkan beristighfar dan bersedekah. Kamu akan dikurniakan (anak) berkat kedua-dua amalan itu”. Dengan izin Allah, orang yang mengadu nasibnya, akhirnya dikurniakan dengan sembilan anak lelaki.

the obedient

"Dear, the linen is not straight!" the wife exclaimed.

"No honey, it is fine. let it be" said the husband, trying to save time.

"Let me fix it". The wife was determined to perfect the bed, to please her OCD eyes.

"No. go get ready", and the husband stood between the wife and the bed, as he was firm with his decision.

And she was hurt. "Hubby always has it his way! This is unfair!" the wife silently complained.

See, it is not easy for a person who has been living to her own decisions for a majority of her lifetime, and suddenly has to receive orders from someone else.

It is not easy for an ukht who leads multiple halaqahs, who organizes programs with many participants and receiving only orders from distant murobbis, then suddenly she has to be an obedient creature, following every wishes and demands from a person. Of the opposite sex too!

So she cried. She silently protested. She recited the quran, when the husband was sitting next to her, trying to create conversations.

Then Allah showed her this aayah..

Men are in charge of women by [right of] what Allah has given one over the other and what they spend [for maintenance] from their wealth. So righteous women are devoutly obedient, guarding in [the husband's] absence what Allah would have them guard. Quran 4:34

They have lovingly spent their savings so much for you. So righteous women, be devoutly obedient, even if its hard.

Thank you Allah. :)

isteri kedua

In the name of Allah,

Bila orang kata selamat menjadi isteri kedua jika mengahwini daie atau mujahid, saya ingat itu hanya mainan bahasa, poyo semata.

Bila ada ukhti meminta maaf (publicly) kerana belum bersedia membenarkan zaujnya ke palestin, saya tak faham kenapa dia tidak merelakan. bukankah itu cita-cita ulung semua?

Bila orang sanjung-sanjung khansa ra, kerana menghantar kesemua anaknya pergi berjihad, saya tidak merasakan itu big deal atau pengorbanan besar.

Kini faham. Istilah isteri kedua itu, bukanlah hanya mainan bahasa. Weekend, waktu cuti, yang mungkin sebagai manusia biasa kita mahu spend dengan orang tersayang, akan dicemburui dakwah. Akan dicemburui keperluan ummah. Berapa ramai asatizah yang terpaksa berjauhan dengan family beberapa minggu, kerana dihantar mengisi daurah di luar negara? Dan kalau dalam negara pun.

Moga allah terima pengorbanan kita. Dan sakeenah itu bukan pada bilangan jam yang diluangkan bersama, tetapi rasa cukup yang Allah letakkan. Have never felt this rahmah and mawaddah before.

This is a testimony how much I heart you, zauji.



'Ala kulli haal, jazakumullahukhairankatheera kepada ikhwah akhawat yang memahami, membantu, dan meng-accommodate.

trials

in the name of Allah...

All praise be to Allah, for I am in a very happy marriage. We have never fought, not a single major disagreement.

But seeing other ikhwah/akhawat/islamic scholars/syuyukhs who have complications in their marriage scared me to bits. I've seen it all, arguments as early as during the engagement period, physical abuse, baling periuk, live separately for months due to disagreement, divorce, etc.  What if any of these happen to us? Maybe not now but in the future, only God knows what will happen.

I told my concerns to zauji, and loved his answer. He simply said,
"bukan manusialah kita jika tiada masalah"

In the end, all those are trials and tribulations that God gave to those who can take the burden. so let's pray for them, but not be affected negatively by what happened.

I pray that in the end, everyone will live happily ever after in jannah. Even if its not with their current/ex spouse. inshaAllah.

May Allah give all of you strength to live this short, temporary, worldly life.

relationship

There are six keys to a GREAT relationship:

1- Friendship: Try to be your spouse best friend. No matter what happens, be a friend first, and a lover later.

 2- Trust: The key element to any relationship is trust, so before starting this beautiful journey with your spouse, learn to trust in all circumstances.

 3- Understanding: Try to figure out each other and work out on our differences. There are going to be many differences, but it’s mutual compromise and sacrifice which makes this relationship beautiful.

4- Communication: Try to talk and convey your message to your spouse. Let your spouse know about how good/ bad your day was along with remind them how you feel for them.

5- Honesty: Always speak the truth, never lie or hide things in fear that your spouse won’t understand. Give your spouse a chance to understand you.

6- Freedom: Give your spouse space and freedom to decide for themselves. Don’t take away the personal time of your spouse. When you have practiced all of the above, then trust Allah and you will see how beautiful life gets.

taaruf?

Ada ke sebenarnya proses taaruf dalam islam?
Awesome post here: http://salimafillah.com/nazhar-bukan-sekedar-taaruf/

Our taaruf

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful,

So many of my beloved akhawat wanted a detailed list of events on how my baitulmuslim was formed, as they need some guidance while they go through the taaruf process themselves.

I was planning to write the full story, but I dont think I will be able to do that in the near future. huhu. so here goes a summary of how our taaruf went.

I sent my bm form a long time ago, albeit not believing in the theory of marriage after seeing first hand domestic abuse cases and failed marriages between ikhwah and akhawat.

Anyways, in a separate event, zauji (then stranger) told his naqib that he wanted to get married. His naqib suggested a few names, and when it came to me zauji agreed. His naqib asked my naqibah if I wanted to get married at that time, and if my family allows it happening in the near future. Naqibah asked me, I told my parents and they gave the green light but wanted to meet zauji (then stranger) first. That was the point when we exchanged our biodata/profiles/the infamous bm forms.

Zauji (then stranger) was reluctant to meet my parents before meeting me face to face, as he wanted to make his heart firm that he is really putting forward the marriage proposal. So we met, at a mosque, with his naqib and his naqib's wife accompanying us.

It was nerve wrecking. Thankfully his naqib and naqib's wife were late, so I had extra time alone at the masjid to really purify my heart and intentions for the meeting (May Allah accept my 3mal).

The meeting was about an hour or so, questions were asked back and forth. I had a list of questions that I made up after reading his form, but too shy to even bring the paper out (lol). So it was more him asking me questions and me whispering the answers to the naqib's wife. Rofl. Not something you should follow!

Both of us were satisfied with the meeting, and agreed to continue taaruf through email threads. He then met my parents who interviewed him without my presence, and afterwards I met his parents without his presence to know zauji (then stranger) better.

That face to face meeting was our first and last due to geographical barriers. We continued taaruf on email threads cc-ing to my parents - for personal and wedding related issues, and cc-ing his naqib and the naqib's wife for daawah and tarbiyah issues. To be real honest I didn't really know him when we got married, and I was worried sick about that, but alhamdulillah with Allah's Mercy and Power everything went so smoothly! I can't ask for a more perfect match, and I get lovely surprises everyday as I know him better.

Zauji, 143!

BM

BM...

Ia tidak semudah yang disangkakan. Sebuah perkahwinan bukan sekadar pertemuan 2 belahan pinang bagi memuaskan kehendak biologi mereka, atau menjadi perhiasan mereka semata-mata, tetapi ada matlamat yang lebih besar ingin tercapai. Ia sekadar hadaf (objektif), bukan ghoyah (matlamat akhir).

Sejarah telah membuktikan bahawa orang-orang hebat dalam dunia islam, semuanya lahir dari keluarga yang islami. Seorang mujaddid, tidak lahir dengan niat mereka semata-mata, tetapi bermula daripada niat seorang atuk, ataupun seorang ayah!

Lihatlah Hasan Al-Banna. Lihatlah Maududi. Lihatlah Sayyid Qutb. Mereka semua adalah insan-insan yang ibu bapa mereka sangat mementingkan tarbiyyah anak-anak mereka. Islam adalah matlamat hidup mereka dan keluarga mereka. Biah yang terhasil dalam rumah-rumah mereka menyebabkan mereka sangat takut untuk keluar dari rumah mereka, dan sangat merindui suasana, biah di rumah mereka setiap relung masa yang ada.

Tidak keluarga mereka menyerahkan sahaja anak-anak mereka untuk dibentuk, ditarbiyyah oleh sistem sekular negara. Juga mereka tidak menyerahkan anak-anak mereka bulat-bulat ditarbiyyah oleh ikhwah-ikhwah lain semata-mata. Tetapi pentarbiyyahan itu bermula seawal di rumah, sang ayah sebagai naqib mereka yang pertama dan utama.

Berkahwin bukan untuk nafsu, tetapi untuk lahirkan para mujaddid!

dari :  http://narawastuilmu.blogspot.ca/search/label/Ku%20Ingin%20Daki%20Tangga%20Amalan%20itu...%20Bantulah%20Daku...

qudwah

kad undangan tidak membazir, seperti sarana pak cah dalam di jalan dakwah aku menikah

walimah boleh menjadi qudwah.

8 Ways to Raise Happy and Innovative Children

I am concerned that in the age of eHow, wiki, evidence-based, best practice and performance management, some readers may interpret this article as a blueprint to raise productive children. It is not. Children are dynamic and unique individuals.
As such this article is about me sharing my experience. Although I cherish my children’s academic achievements and winning international awards for various science and innovation competitions, I love them unconditionally. Needless to say, my children are not geniuses. I just wish to see them happy and healthy, embracing Islam fully. Below are just some of the steps I have taken in raising them:

1. Stop buying Garden and Home magazines

These magazines often make you feel miserable especially if you have hyperactive kids like me who turn the house into pirate ships or shops or schools. So,

• Adopt the Japanese minimalistic style, easy to clean and maintain.
• Learn one recipe for biscuits and cakes then diversify.
• Keep clothes at a minimum level.
• Rein in the household chores and involve the children.

2. Combine structured and informal learning

• Introduce adequate structure in your kids’ life especially for homework and reading the Qur’an or fardhu ain. For example, after school, get them tea and then home work for 1 hour. After that they are free to cycle, to jump, to paint, to do what they want to do (of course computers must be in the family public space).
• Get some other children together. If there is an open space for them, it is much better. However, if live in the areas where some bad characters may lurk, set up an informal play scheme. I used to organize a free play scheme on weekends with other mothers so that our children could play together in a safe environment, but with adequate distance from adults’ watchful eyes.
• Involve children in organizing trips and outdoor activities. My children love experiencing rough sleeping.

3. Encourage entrepreneurial spirit

• Give small amount of seed capital to your children. My children love making and selling things. In this way, they learnt maths, negotiation and communication skills early. They also learnt to make delightful products such as pop-up cards or special occasion cards and flowers for Eid and birthdays. But don’t go over the top, you could be taken to task for child labour.

4. Story books are their friends

• Adopt story telling as a way of explaining and learning typically ‘boring’ subjects. My children hated their text books. I don’t blame them because many text books are notoriously unreadable. But they love good story books, practically devoured them. Over so many years, storytelling has been a powerful method of learning and teaching. If you tell the kids that World War 2 was started by a guy called Hitler, they would soon fall asleep. But try telling that the war was started by a mustached guy who used to be bullied or a bully at school and lived in a place where kids disappeared (for example), watch the facial transformation.
• Visit libraries and book shops despite the age of digital books.
• Teach them to respect books and treat them with care.

5. Give them a sense of purpose

• Identify your children’s interests and nurture them.
• Don’t force them to be what you want them to be. However, explain to them about options and consequences.
• Don’t condemn but don’t overindulge them with praises either. When children have a clear sense of purpose, they will be motivated to work towards that goal. One of my daughters loves animals, astronomy and baking. Her ambition is to set up an animal shelter complete with a café and star gazing equipment.

6. Lead by action

• Undertake small projects and get your children involved but don’t force them.
• Explain to them the purpose of these projects. You can’t expect your children to be innovative if you yourself are lazy. When I started a TOTALLY FREE QURAN E-LEARNING (ehsanlearning.co.uk), it inspired my daughters to enter into an international Innovation Competition to help displaced people around the world or refugees, illustrate children’s books and develop e-learning courses for English as Additional Language children.

7. Find out your children’s learning barriers early

• Find out your children’s learning styles early. How do they learn? Are they auditory, visual, kinesthetic or logical learners? In this way, you can strengthen their learning.
• Don’t force your own learning style on your children.

8. Tell them there is no failure but learning

• Explain to your children that the focus should be on learning with a clear purpose not failure.
• Talk about options and limitations in achieving their ambitions. Be as realistic as possible but don’t thwart their ambitions.
• Get involved in your children’s school. For example, if your children could not get to the school they want, (the price of property in good schools’ catchment areas is ridiculously high) it is not the end of the world. My older daughters went to a school which has a notoriously bad reputation in the country. But one of them won an international science competition while a student there. She was invited to visit the NASA Centre in the US including meeting with astronauts. The school was so supportive in getting her visa by pestering the US embassy on a daily basis. Everyone was so excited including other parents and students. The school also supported another daughter to set up a Fair Trade shop and helped another one win a project sponsored by the local authority

“Did We not expand for you, [O Muhammad], your breast? And We removed from you your burden. Which had weighed upon your back. And raised high for you your repute. For indeed, with hardship [will be] ease. Indeed, with hardship [will be] ease. So when you have finished [your duties], then stand up [for worship]. And to your Lord direct [your] longing” [Quran: Chapter 94].

the proposal

part 1: http://www.fimadani.com/ketika-proposal-itu-diminta/
part 2: http://www.fimadani.com/ketika-proposal-itu-diminta-bag-2/

life after marriage

Source: OnIslam
Her hands still show faint remnants of the intricate patterns of henna applied on the day of her nikah.
Their bedroom still emanates a whiff of fragrance of wilting roses still majestic in their ‘faded glory’.
The customary blushes, shyness, nervousness and social awkwardness still mark their nouveau relationship.

The initial days and nights after a wedding are a blur of activity for a newly married couple, as they respond to invitations by close family and friends to dinner parties, lunches and other social get-togethers with culturally resplendent bridal splendor.
As the newly married husband and wife get sucked into the whirlpool of wedding-related activities, alternating between intimate nocturnal moments and frenzied daytime decking up and dining, it is easy to slip into heedlessness of God and laid-backness regarding acts of worship.
There are a few things that the new bride and groom can do in order to prevent their marriage from creating a distance between them and God on an individual level. The answer lies in ‘joining forces’ to become each other’s pillar of support in staying closely connected to God during this blissful and blessed milestone of their young lives.

Praying Together
Late night dinners and frequent intimacy should not become an excuse to miss prayers, especially the pre-dawn Fajr prayer. The bride and groom should use their cell phones to put alarms for prayers that are spaced out in time, so that if one of them shuts off their alarm, rolls over and promptly goes back to sleep, the subsequent alarm set by the other spouse can wake them both up. It should be a priority for them that no prayer is ever missed when they are in each other’s company.
Many a young man who used to sleeping through Fajr during single life, has been known to reform as soon as he married a righteous, whose wife starts waking him up for Fajr when she gets up to pray herself.
It is for this reason that Prophet Muhammad has wisely and emphatically given the advice below to all single Muslim men:
“A woman may be married for four things: her wealth, her lineage, her beauty, or for her religion. Choose the religious one, may your hands be rubbed with dust (i.e., may you prosper).” (Ibn Majah)

Daily Reviewing the Quran Together
A few minutes per day should be set aside by the newlywed couple to review the Quran together, preferably early in the morning, before the day’s flurry of activities begin.
In order to help themselves remember to connect to the Quran every day, the husband and wife should recall how, innumerable times in the past when they were single, they used to pray with extra khushu’ (concentration), and recite the Quran with extra concentration, in order to earnestly supplicate to God afterwards for a righteous spouse; for the halal means of satisfying their biological urges; for completing half of their faith.

They should recall the many hours they spent fantasizing about what their future spouse would be like, and what kind of romantic dates they’d go on with them to fully enjoy married life.
Now that all those dreams are coming true, with romantic walks on sun-kissed beaches and cozy dinners at quaint restaurants, the bride and groom should try to consistently remember and thank God for granting them what they asked Him for in their dua’.

And, as a means of thanking Him, they should try to study the Quran together on a daily basis, reviewing the Arabic recitation, translation, and short exegesis of a few verses. One of them can start this review with recitation and tajweed, after which they can take turns in reading from the meanings of the text, gleaning practical lessons for their lives from those verses.
In this way, God will purify and bless the love that they have for each other, by transforming it into the selfless love that is purely for the sake of Allah.

Observing the Islamic Etiquette of Intimacy
A brother once attended a wedding at the masjid that was convened on a Friday after Jumu’ah prayers. In the khutbah, the imam exhorted the importance of a bride and groom never missing an obligatory prayer due to physical intimacy/conjugal relations.
He also claimed that when a husband and wife allow an obligatory prayer to be missed due to lovemaking, and if this intimacy results in a pregnancy, then the child that is born is disobedient and unrighteous.

The newly married husband and wife should take utmost care in following the Islamic etiquette of sexual intimacy i.e. starting with the prophetic supplication, and culminating with a timely ghusl (avoiding dozing off in a state of sexual impurity). They should also beware of straying into deviant forms of sexual satisfaction that would disgust any one possessing a sound mind and pure heart, such as those that humiliate or cause pain to one or both of the spouses.

When their physical, sexual relationship will commence on the right footing, i.e. including the remembrance of God and following the model of the sunnah (way) of Prophet Muhammad, the blessings of these conjugal relations will be felt and reaped by the couple in all the other areas of their marital life as well, for years to come,insha’Allah.

Attending Islamic Lectures and Workshops
Once they are married and a bit more settled into routine life, returning to their job or going back to classes at school, the newlyweds seize opportunities to spend leisurely time together in doing interesting, outgoing things, especially on weekends and public holidays.

In order to mix the pleasure of God with permissible entertainment and recreation, newlywed couples can attend Islamic lectures and workshops together.

If these workshops or lectures are in another city or state, the travel involved can bring a welcome breather from routine life, allowing them to sightsee and explore new places, in addition to gaining more knowledge of Islam, and making new friends in the path of God.

One of the best ways to listen to Quran recitation and beneficial lectures is to play CD’s and tapes of the same in the car when out and about, especially on longer rides and road trips.

I have personally seen the immense benefits of listening to beneficial tapes in the car over the years, and the best part is that this kind of learning takes no extra effort. Eventually, when the babies come along, it will amaze the parents to witness how quickly they start memorizing and retaining the Quran, only because they heard it being played repeatedly in the car whenever they went out!
Thankfully, the beauty of undertaking Islamic activities with one’s spouse as a form of leisure, is that there is great benefit and blessings in “mixing business with pleasure”!

Remembering God in the Natural Outdoors
Whether it is attending late-night cocktail parties at clubs, bars or elitist hotels with other couples, watching adult-themed films at home in bed, or hitting the theaters to catch the trending blockbusters, newlyweds sometime end up committing sins together in the name of romance, enjoyment and leisurely entertainment. They allow themselves to become heedless of God and the limits of Islam whilst blissfully riding the wave of youthful euphoria and gushy romance following their marriage.
The fact is that there are many alternative options for having fun with your spouse the halal way. Even better are those modes of enjoyment that combine the worship and remembrance of God with leisure and relaxation.

It would not just be more enjoyable to go picnicking, hiking, bicycling, kayaking, snorkeling, camping, or sailing – taking in the lovely, sprawling natural outdoors – but such outings will also rejuvenate the couple’s faith in God by allowing them to gaze at and admire the natural beauty that He has spread out through the earth.

When the time for prayer comes during these outdoor trysts, the adventuring couple can enjoy praying on grassy hills, lakesides, or tree-lined forest trails, surrounded by scenic beauty. Praying outdoors like this is truly one of life’s most beautiful experiences!

Touristy Trysts
Other alternative recreation that can enable young newlyweds to have some fun, includes amusement parks, which provide almost child-like excitement and thrills, and trips to educational museums and parks. Going to such places is a healthier alternative to wasting time, energy, money and bodily strength on modes of entertainment that incur the wrath of God instead of His pleasure.
If the couple can afford it, they can combine their vacation or honeymoon with an ‘umrah in order to incorporate the worship of God and an uplift of faith into their leisurely travels, as a gesture of thanking God for marrying them to each other, and granting them the blessings of marital bliss that ignite hopes for a bright and prosperous future ahead in life.

Conclusion: Bonding Through the Love of God
The newlywed phase lasts no more than a few months or a year or two, in which life is slow in pace and blissfully idyllic for a couple that is happily married and in love. As the bride experiments in the kitchen, the groom tries to squeeze in as much private time as he can with her after work hours and other commitments.

During the newlywed phase, the husband and wife should focus not just on bonding with each other, but also on sealing their relationship with the blessing of God’s pleasure, by becoming each other’s pillar of support in faith.

They will then come together, with God’s help, as a dynamic duo so strong in faith, that Satan and his army will not be able to come near them or their future generations, insha’Allah.

faced the same thing, and glad that it happened that way.

i dont 100% agree with this article, but the point is, what is wrong, is wrong.

allamam, lagho.

to avoid, prostrate at night -asbabunnuzul hud:116

http://jawabgn.blogspot.ca/2011/03/memahami-zina-hati.html

Ada yang mesti kita persiapkan hati yang menerima, jiwa yang rela, dan keikhlasan untuk berjuang bersama-sama. Siapkah engkau?

Mencapai Pernikahan Barakah

Penulis : Mohammad Fauzil Adhim Penerbit : Mitra Pustaka Harga    : Rp 30000 [LIHAT BUKU LAIN]

        

LOL this is so true. but then this shouldn't be an excuse for us females to not learn to adapt. after all life is not just about worldly pleasures, let's not allow small minute issues to take up your whole time and emotions, ya akhawati.
____________________
PEREMPUAN SUKA CAKAP TERBALIK, ORANG LELAKI DENGAR MACAM PELIK

Satu petang, Si suami yang baru pulang dari kerja, ingin memanjakan isterinya, “Jom kita keluar, malam ni kita makan di kedai je lah”. Sambut isterinya, “Eh nasi banyak lagi tu bang, gulaipun ada lagi tu. Nanti membazir, siapa pula nak menghabiskan tu”. Kalau diikutkan jawapannya itu seolah-olah membantah cadangan suaminya itu, tetapi tindakannya berlainan. Siisteri masuk ke bilik terus menukar baju dan membelitkan tudung di kepalanya di hadapan cermin di dalam bilik tidurnya. Sambil menunggu isterinya, dia mencapai surat khabar yang dibawa daripada pejabat tadi. Suaminya faham sangat. Kalau mulut isteri membantah tetapi nampak bergegas menukar baju, maknanya dia setujulah tu.

Setiba di gerai “char kue teow” yang biasa mereka singgah, adik di gerai tu menghampiri mereka dan bertanya, “Pak Cik nak makan apa?”. Pantas suaminya menjawab, “Char kue teow”. Ditegur isterinya, “Ish Abang ni, mintalah yang lain pula, mee ke, bihun ke. Kan dulu dah makan char kue teow ni”. Suami mula naik berang, “Menyusah je fikir-fikir, Abang tengah lapar, nak makan char kue teow le, Awak nak yang lain, pesan je la”. Muncung terus mulut si isteri mendengar arahan suaminya itu dan lantas memesan bihun sop untuk dirinya.
Sedang mereka menjamu selera, isterinya memecah kesunyian dengan bertanyakan satu soalan menjerat, “Sedap ke char kue teow tu bang?”. Sambil kepalanya masih tunduk menyedut lelehan kuah kue teow itu, suami membalas, “Sedap”. Terus melicinkan char kue teow kegemarannya itu. Apabila isterinya melihat piring suami telah licin, dia menegur dengan nada kecewa, “Awak tu makan, bukan nak ingatkan saya”. Tergamam suami mendengarnya terus membela diri, “Tadi tak cakap pun nak”. Sambut isterinya, “Dah cakap tadi, abang buat tak faham je”. Dibalas suaminya untuk membela dan membenarkan dirinya, “Mana Abang tahu awak nak rasa, kalau nak, pesan lagi satu”. Suara masing-masing mula meninggi. Isteri merasakan suasana romantik yang dia mula kecapi seawal suaminya mengajak makan di gerai tadi telah hancur berkecai apabila suami tidak memahami kehendaknya malam itu. Bagi Sisuami pula, asalnya tadi keluar makan di luar untuk membantu isteri merehatkan badannya supaya tidak susah-susah memasak di rumah dan dengan harapan malam nanti dapatlah hadiah istemewa daripada isterinya. Tetapi sekarang, telah bertukar menjadi medan peperangan dingin dengan isterinya di meja char kue teow pula. Mengapa perkara ini boleh terjadi?

Kebiasaan wanita, apabila mereka berkomunikasi, mereka menggunakan ungkapan yang tidak terus. Mereka menggunakan bahasa berlapik, maksud terbalik dan berpusing-pusing sebagaimana peribahasa Inggeris “beats around the bush”. Laporan ScienceDaily (Jan. 21, 2005) berjudul “Intelligence In Men And Women Is A Gray And White Matter” mengatakan binaan otak wanita yang memang telah diprogramkan memiliki lebih “white matter” yang bertugas menghubungkaitkan sesuatu perkara dengan yang lain hingga menyebabkan mereka pakar menggunakan pendekatan ‘komunikasi-bahasa-tidak terus’ ini. Bercakap adalah asas perhubungan yang utama bagi wanita. Mereka menggunakan pendekatan ini untuk membina jambatan perhubungan dengan orang lain untuk mengelakkan konfrantasi secara terbuka, bersopan santun dan berbudi bahasa. Wanita memang suka menggunakan proses komunikasi cara ini untuk menyampaikan mesej terutama sekali kepada orang yang dia sayangi. Bagi mereka, jika orang yang dia sayangi ini memahami apa yang dia ungkapkan dengan tepat, maka orang itu dilabelkan sebagai seorang yang romantik. Sebagai contoh kalau mereka berdua sedang menaiki kereta dalam perjalanan yang jauh dan isterinya berasa lapar. Pada masa itu mereka sedang melalui deretan kedai-kedai makan. Terdapat beberapa ungkapan yang tidak terus yang wanita gunakan untuk memberitahu suami yang mereka lapar. Mereka tidak sanggup mengungkapkan perkataan, “Abang saya lapar, berhenti di kedai makan depan itu sekarang”. Mereka akan menggunakan bahasa tidak terus seperti berikut, “Abang tak lapar ke?”. Atau, “Dulu kita pernah makan di kedai depan tu kan, sedap masakannya”. Atau, “Tomyam kedai di depan tu sedapkan Abang”. Dan banyak lagi ungkapan-ungkapan yang kebanyakan lelaki tidak faham. Maka suami yang romantik ialah apabila sahaja dia mendengar isyarat ini, dia telah tahu bahawa isterinya sedang lapar dan mahu makan. Tanpa bersoaljawab, dia terus sahaja membelokkan keretanya ke halaman deretan kedai makan dan mencari pakir yang dekat dengan restoren yang dia sebut tadi.

Namun kebanyakan lelaki tidak faham dengan bahasa-tidak-terus ini. Minda lelaki yang memiliki lebih sepuluh kali “grey matter” daripada wanita yang tugasnya hanya memproses maklumat, kurang dapat mengaitkan ungkapan atau ayat-ayat yang berlapik-lapik ini. Kefahamannya hanya bergantung kepada apa yang diucapkan. Dia tidak pandai untuk mentafsirkan apa yang tersirat daripada apa yang tersurat. Oleh itu, jika isterinya beri isyarat. “Abang tak lapar ke?”, Dia akan jawab, “Tak lapar” dan meneruskan pemanduannya. Kecewalah isteri ini dan suaminya ini akan dicopkan sebagai tidak romantik.

Berbalik kita kepada kisah yang mula-mula saya paparkan itu. Apabila isteri bertanyakan kepada suaminya, “Sedap ke char kue teow tu bang?”. Ini bermaksud, “Abang, saya nak rasa sikit char kue teow tu”. Dan sebaik-baiknya, tanpa soal jawab, suaminya itu terus menukar piring char kue teownya dengan mangkuk bihun sop isterinya. Selepas minum separuh, suami itu juga menukarkan gelas minuman milo aisnya dengan minum isterinya. Suami yang berbuat demikian dicopkan sebagai seorang yang romantik. Dia bukan hanya dipuji kerana memahami kehendak isterinya, malah isteri juga puas kerana dapat merasai dua jenis makanan dan minuman pada malam itu dengan harga yang dibayar oleh seorang mengikut perkiraan wanita.

Berikut saya paparkan sedikit daripada ungkapan bahasa-bahasa-tidak-terus yang boleh dijadikan panduan kepada suami jika dia terdengar isterinya.
1. Bila suami mengajak isterinya pergi ke sesuatu tempat dan isterinya menjawab, “Tengoklah”. Besar kemungkinan maksudnya dia tidak mahu pergi.
2. Bila suami isteri sedang berbincang untuk membeli atau memberikan sesuatu kepada isteri, tetapi dalam perbincangan itu timbul pelbagai masalah hingga isterinya seolah-olah mengalah, “Saya tak kisah”. Sebenarnya apa yang dia maksudkan itu ialah dia kisah dan mahu juga benda itu.
3. Bila suami pulang dari kerja dan sesampai di pintu, isterinya menegur suaminya, “Abang letih eh”. Bagi suami yang tidak faham, pasti akan menjawab apa yang dia rasai seperti, “Aa, letih”. Maka kecewalah isterinya itu kerana maksud sebenar ialah dia hendak mengajak suaminya keluar masa itu juga.

Mengapa orang lelaki tidak faham bahasa perempuan ini ialah kerana kebiasaannya orang lelaki berkomunikasi menggunakan ayat yang pendek, terus, tepat kepada maksudnya dan penuh dengan fakta. Lelaki dengan watak kepimpinan dan penguasaan sering menggunakan komunikasi ini untuk mendapatkan kuasa dan sokongan daripada orang lain. Di dalam perniagaan, cara komunikasi sebegini amat sesuai untuk membuat keputusan dan keberkesanan perundingan dengan cepat. Tetapi kalau cara ini digunakan untuk berkomunikasi dengan orang perempuan, ia dilihat sebagai kurang sopan dan tidak beradab.

Oleh itu nasihat saya kepada suami yang ingin memahami bahasa terbalik isterinya ialah,
1. Bila isterinya bersuara, cuba dengar betul-betul ungkapannya dan lihat juga air muka serta pandangan matanya. Pasti kita boleh memahami maksudnya sama ada terus atau terbalik melalui tonasi dan bahasa badannya.
2. Kalau suami masih merasai tidak faham maksudnya, cepatlah bertanya secara terus terang, “Apa maksud awak tadi?”.
3. Bila suami telah memahaminya, maka simpanlah ilmu dan kemahiran ini untuk digunapakai masa depan apabila diucapkan oleh isterinya nanti. Pastinya suami ini dilebelkan sebagai lelaki yang paling romantik.
4. Terimalah cara bahasa terbalik yang amat memeningkan kepala ini sebagai tanda isteri masih sayang kepada kita. Kebiasaannya, isteri tidak menggunakan kaedah ini kepada sesiapa sahaja yang dia tidak kenal melainkan kepada orang yang dia sayangi dan teman sejenisnya
Kepada isteri pula,
1. Sebelum anda menggunakan bahasa berbahasa ini kepada suami, sila lihat dulu keadaan suami anda. Jika dia dalam keadaan serius atau kelihatan letih atau mengalami stres, jangan gunakan lagi pendekatan ini. Dibimbangi, ketidakfahamannya nanti boleh menyebabkan jiwa panas barannya mengganas.
2. Kalau keadaan suami kelihatan ceria dan bersedia untuk bergurau senda, bolehlah anda bermanja-manja menggunakan bahasa terbalik berpusing-pusing ini untuk menagih kehendak dan keperluan anda. Kalau dia tidak faham juga, anda hendaklah dengan suara manja menerangkan maksud sebenar. Jangan mengharapkan dia faham sendiri kalau dia kelihatan tidak faham. Nanti anda juga yang kecewa.

Selamat mencuba.
Pak Utih

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Another:

suami boleh berkomunikasi secara berkesan untuk merancang sesuatu masa kualiti bersama isteri.
Contoh isterinya ajak keluar makan angin bersiar-siar di tepi pantai.

Soalan 1: yang mesti disoal ialah (tempat) “Pantai mana?”. Jika dia menyerahkan kepada suami menentukan, jangan terus membuat keputusan sendiri. Kerana kebiasaannya, jika dia yang mengajak, pasti pantai yang ingin dia pergi telah terpahat di hatinya. Teruskan bertanya sehingga dia menyatakan dengan jelas.

Soalan 2: ialah (siapa) “Siapa lagi yang akan ikut bersama?”. Kekadang dia ingin berjalan berdua dengan suami sahaja. Kekadang pula dia ingin membawa anak-anak atau sanak saudara bersama untuk menguatkan hubungan mereka sambil mengambil angin pantai. Kalau dia berkata pergi berdua sahaja, janganlah sibuk-sibuk membawa orang lain walaupun anak sendiri. Kerana pada waktu itu,masa kualitinya ialah dia ingin berdua dengan suaminya sahaja.

Soalan 3: ialah (pakaian) “Abang nak pakai baju apa nanti?” Tidak perlu tahu pakaian dia. Cukup dengan menanyakan apa yang suami akan pakai. Kerana dia sendiri telah menetap pakaiannya dan yang dia inginkan ialah kelihatan sedondon dengan suaminya. Ini akan menjadikan masa itu dirinya bertambah kualiti dipandang oleh wanita-wanita lain.

Soalan 4: ialah (masa) “ Pukul berapa nak pergi?” Soalan ini penting agar memudahkan menentukan masa untuk dia membuat persiapan secara resmi. Sekiranya suami tidak menanyakan masa bila untuk pergi, kebiasaannya dia tidak akan membuat persiapan sehinggalah dia lihat suaminya mula membuat persiapan. Apabila masa telah dipersetujui dan suami kelihatan sedang bersiap-siap, ini akan menambahkan keceriaannya dan masa kualiti telah dirasainya walaupun mereka berdua belum lagi sampai di pantai. Sebaliknya kalau suami berjanji untuk pergi sekian masa tetapi masih kelihatan membuat kerja lain dan seperti tiada minat untuk ke pantai, ini menyebabkan nilai bersamanya sudah berkurang walaupun akhirnya mereka berdua ke pantai juga.

Soalan 5: ialah (makan) “Kita nak makan di mana nanti atau Sayang nak bawa bekal ke?” Sifat wanita yang sangat memelihara hal kewangan keluarga, dia akan bersungguh-sungguh menjimatkan belanja dapurnya. Oleh itu, apabila suaminya bertanyakan mengenai makanan sebelum mereka pergi ke pantai, isteri akan bertambah ceria untuk menyediakan dan memasaknya sendiri kerana dengan memakan makanan sendiri ditepi pantai itu menyebabkan diri rasa dihargai oleh suami itu daripada menjamu selera di gerai-gerai di pantai yang tidak pasti sedapnya atau harganya yang tidak berpatutan mengikut perkiraan mereka.

Gunakanlah kelima-lima jenis soalan yang telah disusun mengikut turutan seperti di atas. Jangan cuba menggunakan soalan kelima menjadi soalan pertama. Kemungkinan besar ini akan merosakan nilai ajakannya. Sebagai contoh dia mengajak anda ke pantai. Anda pula menggunakan soalan kelima dahulu, “Nak makan di mana? Awak nak masak sendiri ke?”. Dikhuatiri terasa hatinya kerana seolah-olah ajakannya itu membawa masalah pula pada diri anda untuk makan di pantai itu nanti. Berhati-hatilah.

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aku lafazkan akad bagai sudah berlatih seminggu sebelumnya. Walhal baru beberapa minit sebelum majlis bermula. Ada juga sahabat yang bertanya sebelum majlis, “kau dah hafal belum lafaz terima nikah?”..”i do aje cukup,” jawab aku bersahaja.

Bagi aku, saat akad itu bukanlah perkara yang perlu aku bimbangkan sangat. Implikasi daripada lafaz akad itu yang lebih utama untuk aku persiapkan diri. Amanah kepimpinan bertambah, tanggungjawab terhadap keluarga bertambah luas, dosa yang dipikul dari isteri dan anak-anak..dalam keadaan ini, ilmu sentiasa perlu bertambah sedangkan masa semakin suntuk. Dahulu kita lebih banyak masa sendirian, namun selepas akad masa yang ada perlu diluangkan bersama. Dahulu kita boleh buat aktiviti ikut dan kita, namun selepas akad perlu consider perancangan pasangan. Dan bermacam-macam situasi ‘dahulu..namun kini’ lagi.

Ramai orang tidak melihat insitusi keluarga itu adalah sebuah binaan yang batu asasnya diletakkan seawal perjanjian akad nikah terlaksana. Bangunan itu tidak serta merta berdiri lantas boleh terus didiami dengan senang lenang mengimpikan semuanya yang indah-indah bakal ditempuh bersama pasangan. Institusi itu dibina batu demi batu, tidak boleh gopoh dan perlu sentiasa cermat. Perlukan persefahaman bentuk rumah apa yang ingin dibina, apa pula yang hendak diisi, siapa yang bakal diami, bagaimana aktiviti-aktiviti di dalamnya..pokoknya, batu asas yang diletakkan perlu betul. Nawaitu mendirikan rumahtangga perlu jelas agar bangunan yang dibina atasnya tidak rapuh. Ya, sebagaimana bangunan yang kukuh berdiri melawan angin kencang dan gemp.

Bagi kami, asas kami benar. Ya, kami ada sejarah tersendiri zaman-zaman sebelum mengenali jalan dakwah. Bahkan boleh juga dikategorikan zaman budak hingusan. Tapi sekadar cerita lama itu tidak mungkin akan membawa kami di mana kami berada sekarang sebagai suami isteri.

Binaan yang telah kami bina ini, kami sulamkan dengan taqwa, kami doakan dalam sujud dan solat istikharah, kami batasinya dengan akhlak islami dan kami hidupkan taaruf dengan cerita-cerita di medan amal. SMS sudah pasti sangat jarang, telepon apatah lagi. Seingat aku cuma 2 kali; sewaktu tayar kereta isteri (masih akhawat bujang ketika itu) pecah dan tersadai di tepi highway UPM dan sekali lagi ketika merancang untuk ke kursus Mahligai Kasih Kita. Itu sahaja sepanjang tempoh taaruf selama setahun.

“Setahun aje korang berkenalan!?,” tanya rakan-rakan sekerja aku kehairanan. Mana mungkin setahun berkenalan, melalui medium SMS dan email sahaja, sudah boleh mendirikan rumahtangga..kerana itu aku katakan ramai tidak melihat institusi keluarga itu sebuah binaan yang perlu dibina bersama. Pembinaan itu selepas akad..sebelum akad cumalah proses mencari jurubina atau rakan kongsi yang sesuai. Proses bertaaruf kami masih on going, bukannya tamat sewaktu akad termetrai. And each time, there’s always something wonderful to learn about the other half.

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dari: http://qayyim-asma.blogspot.ca/